Good day, Comedy Clubber’s, and welcome to the gag they forbade me to do, but fuck it, I’m doing it anyway!  Now, a good few of you should know who I am and why I’m here, if you don’t, you have misspelt porn good style!  The good news is, as well as laughing your tits and balls off, you can have a little sweetener before surfing on.

The other day a friend of mine came running up to me and gasped between his heavy breathing “Sexting!  Fucking Sexting, that is the answer to all our problems in the search of good pussy!”

Now, the first of two questions’s crossed my mind around about that time. In my head this voice asked “What the fuck is he talking about?”, while in the back of my head it was crying out “Oh, so suddenly it’s us who can’t score any hot pussy!”

When he’d got his breath back I asked him what he was babbling about.  For which he pulled out his Wii Phone and proceeded to search through his inbox.  Throwing it up to me I scanned through the messages with my mouth wide open and a raging hard-on that was visible for at least thirty metres!

“All we need to do is go through your phone’s address book and get Sexting to all those horny honey’s you know!  By the end of the night we’ll have the pussy licking out our holes, man!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me I prefer my male friends swinging only one way – the straightway.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m an open-minded person and I understand the flavours that some people have, especially men.

Pointing out to my friend that what he just said sounded so fucking gay, he became stuttery, paused in mid sentences and most of all, he was trying not to make eye contact with me at all.  He was definitely sulking.

For the benefit of those who don’t know what the fuck Sexting is, then you should not be walking around with a mobile phone…at all!  Sexting is one of the world’s most popular mobile past-time, next to 0898 number calling to some twenty-five stone woman calling herself Maid Veronica to make her appear thinner to the young, red-hot blooded blokes that still believe Pam Anderson’s breasts are natural!  If those pots and pans are real, then I’ve got a nine and a half-inch dick with a disco light on the end!  OK, so I lied about the disco light on the end, but Pam Anderson’s racks are seriously fake!  Tommy lied to us all about that people.

They say that for two weeks solid, Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson sext each other before making love!  Johnny Depp receives at least two Sext Messages before returning to the film set to do his scenes.  Fuck, even Pee Wee fucking Herman has Sext Messages sent to his inbox before he puts that ridiculous outfit on!

I guess my friend was right!  Even though I disagree whole heartedly with the woman licking our anuses, I’m just not into that shit!  But at the end of the day there is always something that aids you in your quest to fulfil your destiny, and I honestly agree that Sexting was mine.

Sending out the first one hundred and forty-six, I thought the other two hundred and ninety-two could wait until later.  It wasn’t till I was on my home that I received a message!  Was it a Sext Message?  Was this the girl of my dreams Sexting me back with French sounding words that would lube my dude?  I was still shocked at the fact I received a message after receiving my last one some four years ago!  This now begs the question “Where did I get all the numbers from??”

Well, you may ask, but you may not like the answer!  Blue-Jacking has been a past-time for many, especially the likes of the police, hacker’s, jacker’s, fraudster’s, con men, arse wipes and petty thieves.  When it fizzled out just two years ago, the technology was widely spread throughout the UK and into my mobile phone.  If I’m close to your phone I press Jack and boom!  Well, not boom as in your phone will explode, but boom as in “I’ve got all your sordid details backed up on my phone!”

As a matter of curiosity, I Jacked our local priest’s mobile phone to see if he had the three divines in the contacts book!  Unfortunately, all we found was contact numbers for religious colleagues and Madam Cherryade Schnozzle, one of the best Bukak Mistresses in Europe.

Opening my message it read “There are three moist holes on a perfect woman’s body, each vibrating in eagerness of pleasure and unadulterated passionate sex.  Obviously this is the closest you’ll ever get to my three holes you sad wanker!”

Ok, so it was my first refusal Sext Message, there were plenty more that could beep on my phone any second…hopefully.  Six fucking hours later I’m sat on the crapper reading Lindsey Lohan’s autobiography thinking of how she could actually fit all those in her mouth at once?  Come to think of it, how in the hell did Lindsey Lohan change from straight to Bi, to Gay?  It is a sad world we live in when all the best women are taken away from the playing field, that’s all I’m saying.  Not that I’m setting my eyes too high, I mean Lindsey Lohan would never in a million years Sext me!  Though in my stars for this month, I’m to meet a beautiful woman and it will be on a very freaky Friday!  So I hang on to hope as much as I can there.

My second message beeped out my ace Bob the Builder Remix tune before I opened it up and read aloud the message.  This is what it said:

“You’re a very cheeky boy, but to the point.  I would love to run my hands through your hair and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.  Call over anytime.  Mystery Lady. X.”

Now we were cooking!  It turns out that the Sext was from one of my old customer’s back when I worked for Granada, and if I can remember right, she was a proper looker.  Just as I finished reading Mystery Ladies Sext I got another, then another, and fuck me, I got so many messages back that my phone was filled to capacity.  My friend was becoming very jealous of the way that I blushed, giggled and laughed as I read them back aloud, and nothing had prepared me for the inevitable to happen!

“Hey, listen to this one.  I want to roll you through the grass, rub my body against your cool pale skin and slowly pleasure your need of Ring Licking!”

The penny did drop, but it wasn’t the realisation of the message, but the shy boyish withdrawal of my friend.  Yep, Sexting is a great thing, but it only takes one person to spoil the fun.  This is Major. K. Brahm wishing you a very good day.


© Major. K. Brahm, Herefordshire, UK.