A friend of mine came running up to me the other day shouting and balling something that was incoherent at first, but then, as he got closer I began to understand a little more.  Obviously, with it being in Tesco supermarket, he failed to realise that it was “Half Price Day”; the time of the month where the colossal supermarket chain take pity on the people who have made them filthy rich, and basically put everything you don’t really buy down in price.  What’s pretty cool at first is you think that a half ton bag of Dog Food Mix is high on your “To Get List”.  Not.

So, knocking into like three people out for a bargain, he ended up head first through the Tenna Lady shelf, his arse winging it on the Tampax shelf and his legs creased over the Dove tester bottles.  Now, this isn’t the first time my friend Jason has done something like this!  A couple of months ago he ran into the number 16 bus!  It’s true.  He was chasing this Gimp…sorry, he was chasing this very cheeky person at the time, and with the cheeky person missing the front of the bus completely, Jason didn’t…he missed the front of the bus alright, but hit the side’s like a cow hitting a semi.

The ironic thing about the bus incident, was that the firemen had to carefully pull him from an “Injury Lawyers For You” poster advertisement that the bus was displaying on its side panels!  Now, if that isn’t ironic, I don’t know what the fuck is!  Unfuckingbelievable.  Typical all the same.

Anyway, after I had pulled him clear of the Tammy shelves and got him back on his feet again, I asked him what the fuck he was shouting about?  Obviously I asked if he was alright…or kind of between the little sniggers and titters me and a few women were making at him!  But it’s hard! Don’t you think?  There you are seriously trying to take in what your friend is saying and all the time until he notices is this white torpedo shaped rag with a long tail sticking out of his left ear!  It’s enough to make the Queen blush and the Pope giggle, too, I’ll tell you!  Luckily he didn’t need surgery to have it removed.

So, he began again telling me what it was he was trying to tell me before his calamity, which was something about his eight year old daughter, Simone.  Apparently, she had landed him in jail overnight because of some incident at school.  It wasn’t anything big, he reassured me, but I got the feeling he was just trying to reassure himself.

“Simone was in her music class yesterday when the teacher asked the class if they knew any songs about policemen.  Of course, I never thought for a minute that her tiny little brain would be able to remember the lyrics of ‘The Reefer Song’ [Music Pictorial can be found on T.H.E.U (YouTube)].  Well, you know the school and the police, mate!  They arrested me and through me into the jail house until this morning, the bastards!”

I was flabbergasted for my friend, as there are limits to the way the police can manhandle you, even the gay ones, too, it’s not just the men and women officer’s, but the gays and lesbians, too.

Asking if they had charged him for the song being sung in school, he proceeded to tell me that the school aren’t taking action, iTunes will be in touch and his court date was in a month!  Which, as soon as he mentioned the court date, I was then confused…a lot.

“If the school aren’t pressing charges, then why are you going to court?”  I asked.

“Because of the Monopoly incident!  Didn’t I tell you?”

I was like, no you fucking didn’t, tell me more.

After he was released for the song incident he managed to get into a fight at the pub.  When officer’s came to calm the incident down he was cohersed into a scuffle with the attending police officers, which brought them to getting him into the police car without a struggle.  Unfortunately, Jason is jinxed with the physical condition of Tourette’s…or so his wife believes anyway.  So pushing him into the car he tries to get his hand inside his coat to pull something out!  Of course, the police don’t like shit like that, so they tazored him unconscious.  Eventually getting him back to the police station the desk sergeant turned to him and said: “My officer’s said you tried pulling a gun on them!  Is this true?”

My friend, who was now twitching like a mother-fucker on broken glass, went into his coat pocket and produced an orange Monopoly card and leant forward to the Sergeant.

“See this, it’s what you call a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card, now where’s the fucking door?”

My name is Greg Barrett, and it’s been a pleasure entertaining you here on The Comedy Club.

Now where’s my fucking cash?

© Greg Barrett, 23, Lakeside, UK

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