Do you wake up in the morning and think to yourself “What else could possibly go fucking wrong?”  Well, this morning I woke up like that, so I understand how all you other people feel.  It’s one of the shitiest feelings in the world, believe me, because it’s true!

Last Friday, I crashed my car.  Now normally, when family and friends tell me that they’ve crashed their cars, I do that shy smirk thing.  Then I back it with “I shouldn’t gloat, someday it could happen to me!”  Well, fuck me, Friday was D-Day for me alright!

Now a lot of you women, especially those that are female, will be whispering to themselves “He cursed himself!”.  And, yeah, you’re probably right, I did curse myself for smirking at others misfortunes.  But when all is said and done, I don’t really think that turning up the heat and introducing another consequence was needed.  The skidding toward the telegraph pole, sliding a waltz and veering up an eight foot grass verge to be catapulted back down to face the wrong direction, now that was acceptable fitting to the ironic consequence.  Yes, Uncle Ned, now I know what went through your mind when you skidded off the road into that snow-covered field!  Yes, Bro, I know exactly what you went through when you shat your pants losing control of your car!

Something’s we accept as “The punishment fitting the crime,” although sometimes, people should really keep an eye on the balances, especially the RAC.  The 4th Emergency Service, or so they say!  It took them four hours to come out to rescue me!  Fucking four hours!  After an hour my battery was flat, after two, my toes were begging to be hung out of the window to thaw, it was that cold.  On the third hour, I was called to say they couldn’t get any of their RAC vans to me and they would have to send a contractor…that was going to be another three hours!

The most cruel thing I would do if somebody smirked at my misfortune, would be to laugh at them and say just five little words: “Good Luck With That Then”, or, for all those that text and drive “GLWTT. Lol”.  Now crashing your wheels is bad!  Waiting in your car like a fucking ice-cube, that is traumatic!  But, one of the craziest things in addition to all that happened to me.  It can only happen to me, right!

After three hours and twenty-five minutes inside Narnia, I was told by the RAC, that they had a van nearby who could assist me and help keep me warm by sitting in the van.  Of course, all this sounded too good to be true, I mean, warmth…rescue…Hoo-fucking-Ra!

When the RAC guy pulled up and assessed the damage, he said it was minimal.  Then he asked me to sit in the van and keep myself warm while he prepared the car for towing.  This was starting to make me feel a lot better in myself and not about damaging my dream machine.  That was until I was returned home with my car and finished filling out a questionnaire for which I gave all “Excellent” ticks on the RAC guys customer report.  Returning to my car I noticed that a carton of cigarettes had been lifted!  That’s right, I was robbed by an RAC Road Warrior!

Everything that could go wrong that day did go wrong.  When I ring up people and tell them what happened, I don’t get the smug replies of “That’ll teach you to take the piss out of me”.  I get the “Highway Robbery!”

© Anonymous. 2011.

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